an epiphany and a new start.

I’ve tried writing this post about a million times. I had such grand plans for the last couple of months and, as so often happens in life, nothing has gone as I had hoped and anticipated. Instead of finding a fabulous job, getting my own place to live and starting on a new set of goals I’m whiling away my time in my parent’s basement and dealing with the depression, frustration and low self-worth that can come with being unemployed. It’s been a rough journey that isn’t anywhere near over.

I wanted to wait until I was in a good place with something wonderful to talk about before I wrote again but a couple of things have led me to change my mind (for better or for worse.) One: I miss this! I love writing and being a part, no matter how small, of the blogosphere. Two: I’ve had several friends ask about my return and tell me they’ve missed me (thank you!) Three: After Robin Williams’ death I read a variety of articles and posts and comments about depression and its effects on our actions as individuals and society as a whole and it made me realize a multitude of things that I wanted to address and face.

First of all, let me put forth this disclaimer: I am not suffering from clinical depression though I have been treated for it in the past. Having dealt with it I know the varying feelings and lack of feelings that can come with it. What I am currently dealing with is a serious case of frustration with moments of despondency and feelings of helplessness that are similar to (but much milder than) those I felt during my depression. I’ve always struggled with these and I’ve always felt like it was something I should be able to deal with on my own, that I would be looked down on for struggling, that I should find a way to just power through. And some days I have a little more mental power over that than others.

(Again, NOT the same as depression. You can not just power through, there is nothing wrong with needing help and life isn’t meant to be perfect. If you’re not sure if what you’re dealing with is something you should be able to handle on your own, do the brave thing and just talk to someone. Someone you trust. Sometimes a different perspective is enough to shake things up and put you back on track, but if it’s something deeper a trusted friend can help you recognize that and get you the help you need.)

There was a lot of awareness and commentary after Robin Williams’ death and I felt so empowered reading about people who acknowledged their limitations and were brave enough to step outside of the confines of the edited, superficial reality we constantly create through the media and remind us that life isn’t always picture perfect and in fact is better for it. I realized how much I wanted to emulate their bravery, if on a smaller scale. And I reminded myself that that was why I started this blog in the first place, to take charge of my own happiness. In an effort to look on the bright side, to see the beauty in everyday things, to be happy even when things don’t go as I planned I titled my blog ‘happiness is’ so that I would have a public/accountable reason to look for and be reminded of all the things that make me happy.

Avoiding writing because I didn’t feel like I had anything ‘cool’ to write about, or a less than perfect life to portray goes directly against the purpose of my blog, and well, life in general. So, I’m back. And I vow to be honest and real about life while still striving to stick with the goal of being happy. I’m just not quite sure how that will all play out. I’ve toyed with the idea of starting a second blog; one to be a little more personal and ‘real’, the other a little less so, filled with the book reviews, music, travel and fluff. I haven’t decided yet which direction I’ll take so as I continue to post for the next little while the ‘theme’ here may become a bit fuzzy. But please, bear with me!