Saturday, August 17, 2013

a fresh start.

I've just been through one of the longest weeks of my life. After a little over a week of driving across the country (travelogue to come) I arrived at my parent's house in Salt Lake City, a way station between my past life and the adventure in Thailand. I spent time on the journey visiting friends and sites and with all the distractions I held up rather well emotionally. But as I left the last stop Monday morning and made my way across the barren landscape of Wyoming the only thing with any discernible peaks and valleys was my emotions. I cried as a serendipitous John Denver song ushered me across the state line; tears for what I'd left behind, joy at seeing the mountains welcoming me home and more than a little fear for what I might face in the future.

Dressed in a subliminally protective armor of my former life (a Redskins t-shirt) I was welcomed home by most of my family. I kissed the niece I'd never met and then stepped back into a pattern of existence almost as if I'd never left.

While my family is amazing and I know I've made the right choice I suddenly feel like a child alone in a rudderless boat. I'm unsure and unsettled. I have no immediate purpose, no place to call my own, adrift with little direction and less support. I know my steps are going in the right direction but right now it feels as if I've taken a giant step backwards, settling into a stereotypical middle-aged, loner stupor in my parent's basement.

I've got loads to keep me busy and this stage is only a couple of weeks long and I'm truly looking forward to what is on the horizon but I'm going to have to make a conscious effort to stay motivated between now and then. I just have to keep reminding myself that the fresh start to come is going to be worth the current state of discombobulation. I think a steady diet of super thick Arctic Circle shakes is in order! Maybe this won't be so bad after all. :)

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