a deep thought.

Nothing can be more life-changing than an escape from your own preconceptions.

~Roger Housden

I've been working on this a lot lately.  As I haven't been 'working' in the traditional sense there's been plenty of time for introspection and self-discovery (and of course, job hunting) which is all really, really hard work.  And I don't always like the results.  Of any of it. I have a lot of thought patterns that aren't very healthy, habits that need to be broken and skills that need to learned. But there have been many positive moments of enlightenment along the way as well.

I've been reading a lot of books about finding yourself and finding your passion and reinventing your life.  I've got a few reviews of some of my favorites in the works to share with you all but for today it's enough to tell you that a recurring theme in all of them is basically the idea of being forgiving of yourself, of being okay with who you are and where you are and accepting the fact that it's all what it's supposed to be no matter how bleak it may seem at the moment. Or even how great.  This too shall pass. All we really have is right now and it's no use fighting it. The key is to make peace with it and with ourselves.

Nothing new, I know. That's why it's showed up in pretty much everything I've read (not always in those words but in various incarnations of such.)  But, while it's something I've known and even believed for a long time it's not something I've ever really applied. I am a control freak and if things don't go according to my plan then I tend to fight against it or fall apart. I have a timeline, and goals, and images in my head of how things are supposed to be and so often I fail to take into account that other people, nature, and God are going to get in the way of all of that. And that's okay. It will all be okay.

I've had several great conversations with friends who have validated my various frustrations and commiserated with my woes and then gently reminded me of the good things in my life or shared with me stories of the miracles, lessons and unexpected blessings and pleasures that have come in their lives from detours, thwarted plans, and unfulfilled dreams. There is often something greater than we could have imagined or planned for ourselves on the other side of difficulty.

So, another of my goals for the moment is to work hard to re-imagine the preconceived possibilities I had anticipated for my life and open myself up to the opportunities, be they good or "bad", that the universe has in store for me. Have you had any similar experiences?  How do you get out of your own way when it comes setting goals, remaining 'present' in negative circumstances, and course corrections after the unexpected?

remembering.

There are a lot of obligatory 9-11 posts everywhere today, as there should be. The events of that day thirteen years ago shaped our lives and our continued existence and unfortunately, were just the beginning of so many things (though possibly not as dramatic) that continue to shape our world, many would say for worse. It's so easy to look around at all the horrible things going on around us, the hatred and anger, governments collapsing, wars raging, natural calamities so rampant on the news and fighting their ways into our homes and minds at every turn and give in to the feelings of discouragement, despair, and fear that they bring.

Since I've confessed my tendencies to fall prey to these feelings anyway, I put myself particularly on guard at moments like this and limit my time spent news watching or feeding the social media frenzy. And I find myself clinging to the stories of human goodness that inevitably arise from the ashes if we look hard enough; the people who rushed back into the burning towers to save complete strangers, those that fought to overtake the terrorists and bring down their plane in a field, the countless unsung heroes who did their jobs day in and day out under a cloud of smoke and fear. It's a testament to humanity that those things happen but unfortunate that it sometimes takes a tragedy before they do.

This morning I read a quote on a friend's facebook page (thanks, Abby!) I'd read the words many times before, they tend to resurface around this time each year as they were spoken just days before the attacks. They were prophetic then and continue to be. And in light of all I'm going through at the moment, they were words I needed to hear.

I come to you tonight with a plea that we stop seeking out the storms and enjoy more fully the sunlight. I am suggesting that as we go through life that we try to "accentuate the positive." I am asking that we look a little deeper for the good, that we still our voices of insult and sarcasm, that we more generously compliment virtue and effort. I am not asking that all criticism be silenced. Growth comes of correction. Strength comes of repentance. Wise is the man or woman who can acknowledge mistakes pointed out by others and change his or her course.

What I am suggesting is that you turn from the negativism that so permeates our modem society and look for the remarkable good among those with whom you associate, that we speak of one another's virtues more than we speak of one another's faults, that optimism replace pessimism, that our faith exceed our fears. When I was a young man and was prone to speak critically my wise father would say: "Cynics do not contribute, skeptics do not create, doubters do not achieve."

...I am not suggesting that you simply put on rose-colored glasses to make the world about you look better. I ask, rather, that you look above and beyond the negative, the cynical, the critical, the doubtful, to the positive and the affirmative.  

(Gordon B. Hinckley, CES Fireside, September 9, 2001.)  To read the full address go here. 

Words of wisdom, and ones that I am trying to live by more fully than I have been. 

I'm grateful for those who live the examples of goodness, particularly in trying times.  For those who remind us through word and deed what is important. And for those who stand by to lift and support those of us who falter. No matter our circumstances there is goodness around us and goodness within us. May we all be reminded of that truth and never forget.

a new goal.

Fall, for me, is always a time of renewal. I realize that’s the opposite of what it actually is, the harbinger of winter and months of death and dormancy but the cooler air and rich colors bring a bit of vibrancy and revitalization that I love. Perhaps it hearkens back to all those years as both student and teacher, the start of a new school year, a notebook full of the blank pages of possibilities, the smell of anticipation and new clothes, ‘bouquets of newly sharpened pencils’, the works! You’ve got a clean slate, unlimited potential, so many new things to learn and discover. I love it! (plus I love the sweaters and boots and pumpkin flavored everythings, they’re like a happy bonus!)

This year especially, though I’m not a part of the onslaught of scholastic beginnings for the first time in years, I’m in great need of a personal re-beginning. And you are going to be my witnesses and maybe I can convince you to be my cheerleaders and goal auditors. In addition to stepping up my job application/hunt efforts I’ve decided on a few goals that need some focus through the rest of the calendar year (and possibly beyond.)

First up, harmonica lessons! I’m super excited about this. Maybe more than I should admit. I love taking classes and since I’m not doing the school thing myself I decided to check out the community ed offerings and when I saw beginner’s harmonica I knew I’d found a winner. I’m sure you’ll hear more about this as the weeks go by.

Next, mountains. I was so looking forward to living near them again and yet I’ve only been in them a handful of times since I’ve been home. My new goal is to go on a new hike at least twice a month while the weather holds and then bust out the snowshoes come winter. I’ve already enlisted a friend to help me with this one!

I’ve been a bit homesick lately for the DC area and all of the amazing things that are available there. Museums, concerts, road trips, history, you name it. Everything is so close and accessible. It’s not that there isn’t anything to do in Utah, you just have to look a little harder to find it. So, each month I’m going to find at least one tourist-type event to participate in or site to see.

Between some crazy travel and losing any sort of control over or access to a personal kitchen I’ve managed to gain quite a bit of weight over the past year, which hasn’t helped me feel great about myself. I’ve got a few ideas for getting back into the swing of healthy eating and exercise that I’ll be putting into action in the next week or so and I’ll let you help keep me accountable there as well! (more info when I get started.)

And finally, in an effort to step outside of myself and my own problems and worries, I’m on the lookout for a cause to champion. I love to serve and haven’t made an effort to do so recently so I’ll be participating in at least one service experience each month with the big goal of finding somewhere to give my heart. There are a lot of causes I believe in and places I’ve donated to monetarily in the past. That’s not in the unemployed budget so I have to step up and give my time and that extra commitment has made me realize that not all causes are created equal. I want to find something that truly speaks to me and makes me want to spend an entire Saturday hard at work rather than just soothing my conscience by writing a check. Does that make sense?

Re-cap: monthly service experience, monthly tourist experience, bi-weekly mountain experience, harmonica lessons, lose weight/healthy living (details to follow). Think you can keep me motivated and accountable?

an epiphany and a new start.

I’ve tried writing this post about a million times. I had such grand plans for the last couple of months and, as so often happens in life, nothing has gone as I had hoped and anticipated. Instead of finding a fabulous job, getting my own place to live and starting on a new set of goals I’m whiling away my time in my parent’s basement and dealing with the depression, frustration and low self-worth that can come with being unemployed. It’s been a rough journey that isn’t anywhere near over.

I wanted to wait until I was in a good place with something wonderful to talk about before I wrote again but a couple of things have led me to change my mind (for better or for worse.) One: I miss this! I love writing and being a part, no matter how small, of the blogosphere. Two: I’ve had several friends ask about my return and tell me they’ve missed me (thank you!) Three: After Robin Williams’ death I read a variety of articles and posts and comments about depression and its effects on our actions as individuals and society as a whole and it made me realize a multitude of things that I wanted to address and face.

First of all, let me put forth this disclaimer: I am not suffering from clinical depression though I have been treated for it in the past. Having dealt with it I know the varying feelings and lack of feelings that can come with it. What I am currently dealing with is a serious case of frustration with moments of despondency and feelings of helplessness that are similar to (but much milder than) those I felt during my depression. I’ve always struggled with these and I’ve always felt like it was something I should be able to deal with on my own, that I would be looked down on for struggling, that I should find a way to just power through. And some days I have a little more mental power over that than others.

(Again, NOT the same as depression. You can not just power through, there is nothing wrong with needing help and life isn’t meant to be perfect. If you’re not sure if what you’re dealing with is something you should be able to handle on your own, do the brave thing and just talk to someone. Someone you trust. Sometimes a different perspective is enough to shake things up and put you back on track, but if it’s something deeper a trusted friend can help you recognize that and get you the help you need.)

There was a lot of awareness and commentary after Robin Williams’ death and I felt so empowered reading about people who acknowledged their limitations and were brave enough to step outside of the confines of the edited, superficial reality we constantly create through the media and remind us that life isn’t always picture perfect and in fact is better for it. I realized how much I wanted to emulate their bravery, if on a smaller scale. And I reminded myself that that was why I started this blog in the first place, to take charge of my own happiness. In an effort to look on the bright side, to see the beauty in everyday things, to be happy even when things don’t go as I planned I titled my blog ‘happiness is’ so that I would have a public/accountable reason to look for and be reminded of all the things that make me happy.

Avoiding writing because I didn’t feel like I had anything ‘cool’ to write about, or a less than perfect life to portray goes directly against the purpose of my blog, and well, life in general. So, I’m back. And I vow to be honest and real about life while still striving to stick with the goal of being happy. I’m just not quite sure how that will all play out. I’ve toyed with the idea of starting a second blog; one to be a little more personal and ‘real’, the other a little less so, filled with the book reviews, music, travel and fluff. I haven’t decided yet which direction I’ll take so as I continue to post for the next little while the ‘theme’ here may become a bit fuzzy. But please, bear with me!

a time to remember

The whole earth is the sepulcher of famous men. They are commemorated not only by columns and inscriptions in their own country but in foreign lands also by memorials not graven on stone but on the hearts of men.

~attributed to the Greek general, Pericles and inscribed on the facade of the Auckland War Memorial Museum

Luxembourg American Cemetery and Memorial

Heartfelt gratitude and respect to all who have served to make this country what it is, and all who continue to serve to keep it free. A particularly special thanks to both of my grandfathers as well as the various uncles and cousins and people I know personally who have sacrificed their time and their lives for those of us here at home. God bless.

a wordless Wednesday.

Image by Micah Player, thanks to Jules at 7 Impossible Things Before Breakfast for the link.

spring cleaning.

I’ve been on some interesting journeys in the last year. For some of them I packed a suitcase, visited a beautiful locale for a few days and then returned to the comforts and stability of home and routine. For others I packed up everything I owned never to return. And then there were all of the emotional and spiritual journeys I’ve embarked on. Some of those paths I can look back on with fondness and new found enlightenment and some I’m still processing.

I’ve hinted at my new life status a few times but there is nothing like being jobless and living in your parent’s basement to make you question your purpose and direction in life, even if it was a conscious decision to be there!

I’m looking to May as a second New Year, another chance to set some goals and plan for progress in a new environment with new challenges and opportunities.

One of those goals is to re-visit the format of this blog. It doesn’t have a lot of structure--it’s sort of just a hodge-podge of everything all over the place. My posts haven’t been as thoughtful and well-written lately as I would like. I know my content has been very excursion based recently, covering all the escapades in Thailand and beyond but looking back I’ve noticed they’re rather bland and mechanical, many dashed off just to get the ideas down but without a lot of grace in the telling.

Is it still serving my needs? Do I need to re-vamp it with a new design, weekly features, a narrower focus? Or just scale back and not worry about posting so often as much as posting more thoughtfully?

There’s a lot in my life that is going through similar scrutiny, as you can imagine. I live very broadly but there’s not always enough depth. And while I used to pride myself on my varied interests and hobbies I’ve come to regret that I have very few things I can truly qualify as talents because I haven’t devoted a chunk of my life to any one thing. To create a cheesy metaphor: I’ve walked in the surf along a lot of beautiful beaches and enjoyed all the experiences along the way but I’ve never really learned to swim. (My scanty resume can attest to this, unfortunately.)

I’ve also accumulated a lot of stuff. When I left Utah several years ago it was only supposed to be for a short time. I shoved almost all of my belongings into a storage unit thinking I would be back in a few months. Eight years later they’re all still languishing in the 8x10 garage covered in an inch of dust only to be joined by all the stuff I brought back from Virginia. And it will all be there until I find a job and have a place of my own to move it to.

All this uncertainty and clutter, literal and figurative, is starting to get to me. I’m hoping to streamline my possessions, my thoughts, my goals, my schedule and routines, giving more full attention and deeper respect to the things I choose to keep as parts of my life. My key word for 2014 was “relationships” and I want to use that to help choose what goes and what stays. Things may be quiet around here for a while ‘til I get everything sorted out, but I promise I’ll let you know what I decide.

I’m curious though. Have any of you gone through a similar clearing out/starting over process? How did you decide what to keep and let go of? What would you have done differently? How long did your results/resolve last? Any suggestions as I embark on this journey?

And on a different but completely related note, anyone hiring?!   ;)